Sunday, February 10, 2013

Lance, A-Rod, & Me

Readers, I have a confession to make.  I'm a user of PED's.

I'm admitting this now because I'm sure that this would have all be made public in time anyway.  After all, my name is on a spreadsheet somewhere in the back office of a Seattle office building.  And there have been emails, free samples, and even punch cards.  Plus, I'm sure I have been spotted in some rather conspicuous locations around the city, getting my fix.  People would have started putting 2 and 2 together soon enough.

My hope though, is that the stigma of using these PED's won't be long lasting.  That people will actually understand that when it comes to being a great at this game, it's better to be free of aches and pains - and also alert, than to drop the ball when everything is on the line!

It wasn't always this way though.  After a long career in the minors, I was just a couple of months shy of 40 when I finally made it to The Show. I was certainly excited to be here, but also a bit nervous about what I was about to face on a daily basis.  After all,  I had heard countless stories of how difficult the big leagues could be.  "You may think you know what you'll face in the coming months....but you can never adequately prepare yourself for the kind of stuff some of these kids will throw at you." a common one went.

Looking back now, I'll be the first to admit they were absolutely right.

Fresh out of camp back then I started with a hot streak, hitting on all cylinders. Things seemed to come naturally to me, and I thought to myself  "THIS. This is what I was worried about?"

But then day 2 arrived......and I quickly realized I was facing some REAL big league challenges.  Challenges that my natural abilities, now diminished by the relentless plodding of time, couldn't help me overcome on their own.

That's when I started taking these Parent Enhancing Drugs in increased doses .  So I could survive in this show. No, I wasn't proud of my actions, but I knew it was a far superior alternative to failing miserably in a crucial game situation.

And now, nearly 6 years later, thanks to these 'supplements' I have survived and am still in the big leagues. But once again I'm facing many of the same challenges I did back when I broke in.  And, as a result, at the seasoned age of 45 I have started juicing and popping the pills in larger doses than ever.  Of course, I wish I didn't have to rely on these aides, but let's face it - it's a young man's game.

And I will do what ever it takes to stay on top of it.

Daily juicing - a necessity for this Dad!


Detectable in a urine sample?

My hope is that when my career is finally over, and it's time for people such as yourselves to vote deserving dads into the Parenting Hall of Fame, they will find it in their hearts to overlook my use of such performance aides and vote for me solely on my merits as a dad. Yes, that is my hope.

Thank you for hearing me out.  Now, if you'll excuse me I have to make myself a fresh pot of enhanced parenting.

8 comments:

Always Home and Uncool said...

::clapping:: And like me, do you use pretty of beer to come down off the PEDs at night?

James (SeattleDad) said...

@Kevin - Yes, of course. But that just enhances my time after the kids are in bed.

daniel said...

You know you're from Seattle when you see PED and think Personal Electronic Device.

Slamdunk said...

Haha, you had me laughing James--maybe because it hits close to home. Instead of coffee, change it to Mountain Dew and you can add me to the club as well.

Designer Daddy said...

I honestly did not know what PED stood for. I guess the title should have tipped me off. But I'm up way too damn late (again) and my PED's ran out of juice a long time ago. Mine include Starbuck's black iced tea, Diet Coke, Aderall, and mid-morning naps.

Diplo_Daddy said...

Since we're all coming clean here...I'm addicted to Starbucks!

O yeah, I even have a Starbucks card....because without it, I wouldn't be eligible for free WiFi while consuming my 4$ Cup of Joe.

I desperately need to start drink from home. But having that SB card w/free Internet? It's just too tempting to pass up.

FilmFather said...

I look forward to your two-part interview with Oprah.

New review at FilmFather: The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure
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jetts31 said...

I haven't had anything but coffee to drink for the past year and I'm still tired.
I think there will definitely be a place for you in the HOF when its time. And if not, go on Oprah, then you'll get in.