Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Big Sloppy Problem

Mrs. LIAYF and I need to nip this in the bud. And we need to do it right away. After all, this could lead to years of heartache and loneliness. Not to mention the solitude and self doubt that would naturally go along with it. Plus, if I can’t rectify this issue now, my own lingering guilt about my failure to provide proper guidance may haunt me for years to come. No one wants that!

Allow me to explain. Lukas has been practicing his kissing skills lately. So far they leave much to be desired. No matter how much we try to convince him to purse his lips together, most of the time he is not quite getting it. When prompted to "Give us a kiss", he just smiles wide - then zeros in on us with a big, wet, and sloppy open mouth. He will wrap his little arms around our necks, looks us right in the eyes with concentrated determination, and plant his rather wet and juicy lips right on a check, or even a whole upper lip and nose on occasion.

Cute? Yes. Adorable? Absolutely. So where's the problem you might ask. With the ladies friends. The problem is with the ladies who will eventually vie for his affection. In my own unscientific poll I have found that big, wet, sloppy kisses are kind of unpopular with those of the fairer gender.

Mrs. LIAYF has even confessed to dumping a former acquaintance for being a sloppy kisser. And I know if I occasionally get a bit lax with my own technique, to this day she will call me on it. Similarly, I once ended a high school fling with a girl who had a terrible technique, one which left me nearly choking with each kiss. The fact is it’s a harsh, harsh world out there and those with inadequate skills are in danger of being left behind, lonely and confused.

Given all this, I think we need to redouble our efforts. Daily smooching practice will have to commence right away. Perhaps some lemon juice or sour patch candy would be in order. And in order to be a good teacher, I need to first become a good student. Continuing Education, if you will. Mrs. LIAYF doesn’t know it yet, but she will need to help me brush up, so we can pay it forward. We can call it one of those ‘Win-Win’ situations.

Let me know what you think folks. Am I off the mark here? And how about you? Have you ever dumped anyone for being a bad kisser?

13 comments:

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Kids can't pucker!

morethananelectrician said...

I think a kiss like Lukas' might just be how I "landed" my wife. Try it on yours...she ought to laugh...just ease back on the saliva a bit...not as funny if you drool all over her.

Being us... said...

I did dump someone, and remember telling my hubby about it years later! But I love love love slobbery baby kisses!

SciFi Dad said...

We curbed this habit with the "mmm... MA!" kiss approach. We kissed our daughter that way (saying "mmm..." then connecting to her cheek, then opening and saying "MA!" as we pulled away) and she started imitating.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

If by 'being a bad kisser' you mean kissing her best friend on New Year's eve, then yes, I've been dumped for bad kissing...

Dan said...

What about sloppy kisses when you have a snotty nose too?

NukeDad said...

There was this one girl who kissed like a human Roto-Rooter machine. Like you, I'd rather kiss than get a throat culture. Kissing her was like getting intubated in the ER. We were an item right up until the first (and last) kiss.

iVegasFamily said...

Chick's don't like sloppy cow kisses. This does require some immediate attention. Good luck.

Diane said...

My 15-month-old son kisses the same way. My daughter was puckering up by 14 months, so, like you, I've been a little worried about it... hopefully it will pass, because he's cute and I'd hate for him never to have a second date because he's a sloppy kisser! haha

Adam said...

Hysterical post!

I love the site, I just found it today.

James Austin said...

Thanks Adam. Hope to see you back.

Whit said...

Most of the girls I "dated" didn't let you kiss them on the mouth, so I don't have a lot of room to talk here.

I'm messy in the kitchen though, if that helps.

James Austin said...

@Whit - I'm messy in the kitchen too. I need practice on that as well.